Saturday, December 29, 2012

Psalm 66

"For you, O God, have tested us; 
You brought us into the net; 
you let men ride over our heads; 
you have tried us as silver is tried. 
you laid a crushing burden on our backs; 
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."

This year, I have been reading through the bible. Every night, I've done 4-5 chapters. As of tomorrow night I will have read through the entire bible. I have learned so much through this experience, but the verses that I have highlighted are very telling. The majority of them center around challenges and adversity, like this one. The last couple years have most certainly been a test. Going through infertility and having our losses has certainly been a crushing burden. And the difficulties and scares with this pregnancy were certainly some fire and water to walk through. But right here, right now, the abundance overwhelms me.

It was a year ago today that we found out we were expecting Ellie. The baby book I have for her asks about how you felt/what happened when you found out. I haven't been able to fill out that page yet, because the truth of what happened with that situation makes it seem like I was not grateful. 

A year ago, I was up the in middle of the night just like I am now. About 4am, to be exact. I tested, knowing full well that I didn't have my beta scheduled for another 5 days and that it was super early. Almost immediately the second line popped up. I was pretty freaked out. Heart racing and just thinking about going through "this" again, hoping that the outcome would be different. In fact, I was so cynical and terrified that I didn't even bother to wake Ryan up to tell him that I had gotten a positive test. Instead, I told him rather nonchalantly when he got up that morning. I hate that I can't tell Ellie that we were jumping up and down, excited, crying, hugging. But we weren't.

This is just one "symptom" of how we dealt with the test we were being put through over the years. And I consider it a great failure of mine that my response was not one of pure faith. I feel a little like Sarah in this regard. When I had been given an amazing gift, my focus on how it was impossible that this was happening, rather than focusing on how an all-powerful God really can do anything. 

I hope that when I'm faced with more challenges, I can be better at relinquishing control and responding in faith. I've seen how a rainbow can follow a period of much rain. That rainbow is sucking her thumb in her sleep right next to me. 

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